Dear Goosie:

I have been dating this guy for over a year. He is a really nice guy but lately I have been having some issues with him. It started in December when my dad was in the hospital. He did the standard "let me know if you need anything" but didn't push, which is fine. My boss, during this time, offered his car for me to go from the city to the suburbs. It was a nice offer and I took him up on it. I did not have a car and it would have been a huge hassle for me to do this any other way. During this time, my BF made a comment to me about using the car and said something along the lines (in a joking way) about me "banging my boss". (Side note: many of his own friends are girls and I have never once made such a comment to him) This was a very stressful time for me so I ignored it, not wanting to pick a fight or even having the energy to fight (I was working full time and spending my nights at the hospital for 2 weeks straight). After this, I have noticed other little annoyances that have triggered me. When we are out, he all of a sudden started drinking what I drink. If I cannot go out, he stays home. He even canceled plans with his own college friends because I couldn't go. I went away to Green Bay, WI with my brother for the superbowl (we are a Packer family, he's a Bears' fan... I didn't invite him because he was not a fan and it was a family thing). I came back, excited to tell him about the trip and all he said was "I wish I could have gone". I don't do well with pouty behavior and I do even less well with "joking" backhanded, comments. He is hardly ever serious and there is a joke for everything, including making a joke when my dad was in the hospital. This is making me not like him one bit and I am wondering if this is fixable or if we simply are not compatible. Am I wrong to feel this way? Is this fixable?

 

Dear Packer Fan:

You asked if your relationship is “fixable? Depends on how much time you’re willing to invest working (or suffering?) through it.

If you want to give this relationship a fighting chance, make a list of the Good, the Bad and the Ugly (intolerable) Traits and compare. If there are more positives in the Good department, try talking tactfully to him about the things that bother you the most, and see if any of it can be resolved.

He sounds a little insecure and immature, two traits he may (or may not) grow out of. For whatever reason, you have been with him for over a year and during all this time just ignoring his dumb jokes and remarks? Your patience is admirable. Keep in mind, though, that since you aren’t married, you haven’t any obligation to waste any more of your time in a less-than-you-deserve relationship. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to say good-bye.

Your letter was well written and radiates maturity and intelligence. However, if his personality is the annoying factor, there’s not much chance that you can fix that…and he wouldn’t appreciate you trying.

Goosie had to go through a lot of rotten eggs before she found a good one. Good luck.

Goosie

P.S. There is probably a girl out there with your B.F.’s same sense of humor who would think he is hilarious.

 

Dear Goosie:

I have been with this guy for 3 yrs now. He is legally separated but has not gotten his divorce yet. Lately, this past 6 months he has been edgy and on my case every time I do one little thing wrong. Also he has not really done anything for our anniversaries, or my birthday that has just past. It seems like I do everything to keep this relationship going, but for him it does not seem like it’s good enough for him. What should I do? Also we have a little one year old and a he has a 17 yr old. It seems like he doesn't want to try anymore. What is the problem? Is it me? Or does it seem like he is not interested anymore?

Sincerely, Sab

 

Dear Sab:

3 years with you and not yet divorced? Why?

He doesn’t really do anything for anniversaries or birthdays? Is he an insensitive clod?

You didn’t mention whether you were living together. If so, without a commitment (like marriage) it doesn’t give him any motivation to work at your problems (not that he would, anyway. He has already flunked in marriage). I would guess that your child was not a planned pregnancy. Otherwise, you might have decided to call it quits earlier on in the game.

However, since life is not a perfect card game, we cannot expect to win every hand; we just have to work with whatever hand we are dealt.

If you didn’t have a child with him, I would say “Chalk it up to experience” and move on. However, he is your child’s father, so you should have an honest conversation asking him whether or not he wants a future with you so you know where you stand.

If he is no longer interested in making your relationship work, then he should at least take responsibility for his child. Don’t be afraid to know the truth. Otherwise, you will just be in emotional limbo.

Goosie

 

Re: Crazy Mom

I'm fifteen and have been with my sixteen-year-old boyfriend for almost three years. My parents love him but his mom hates me. She has no reason to, I'm a straight-A student, I don't drink or do drugs, and I've always been kind and respectful towards her. She's really jealous and does her best to keep him from seeing me. She tries to manipulate him and turn him against me. She's nice to my face but sometimes makes snarky comments. It's a constant battle between us, and she's getting stricter and stricter about when we can see each other. What can I do?

I am sorry that you are in this situation. Most mothers would be happy to have such a nice girl involved with their son. However, this mother sounds like The Wicked Witch of the West. Since you have so many good qualities, I certainly wouldn’t change a thing about yourself. Continue to be nice and respectful towards her. Kill her with kindness. She will then look stupid if she treats you badly.

I think Crazy Mom has some screws loose. Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? If she doesn’t like you, HE should know why. If not, HE should talk to his mother about it and try to smooth things out between the two of you. If that doesn’t work, he should at least stick up for you when she says something “snarky”.

Good Luck,

Goosie