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Problem Page Archives 2!
Do you need advice on dating relationships?
This is where Goosie has published her previous free teen advice.
Dear Goosie:
I recently found out that my dad has been cheating on my mom, and if that's not bad enough he has gotten this other woman pregnant. I am not mad at my dad and I still love him but I am really upset about it as he might go and live with this woman to help her raise the baby. My parents are getting a divorce and I don't know what to do!
Sad and Upset
Dear Sad and Upset:
I have witnessed a number of problems along the lines of this one, and each time I cannot give specific "how-to" guidelines of advice. I am sorry that your parents are having problems, but just remember that you cannot control their lives or prevent the outcome of the problems that they create. This will all have to play out on its own... kind of like a video game with a broken joystick.
Unfortunately, this is what life is all about. Things happen (even broken video games that you paid hundreds for, don't you just hate that?!), and we react to it. We learn from it. I am sure as you sympathize with your mother for having to go through this, you probably have mixed feelings about what your father did, too. It is normal for you to have all kinds of emotions. The best thing you can do is to be as supportive as you can be without taking sides. However, you should keep in mind that you know that what your father has done is not morally acceptable behavior for people who are married. It is not up to you to judge him, though, or anyone else for that matter. I think you can see what will happen as a result of his actions and learn that this is not something you want to do if you are ever unlucky enough to be in a similar situation.
If your dad decides to go and live with the other woman and help raise their child, try not to be too upset about it. It may very well happen, and even though your dad has made some unfixable mistakes, it is probably best for him not to make any more. This may mean helping raise the child, because after all, the baby will now be part of his responsibility. Just remember that this doesn’t mean he loves you any less. Keep the lines of communication open with him and try to accept things as they happen. That way you will continue to stay close, like the two-peas-in-a-pod type deal. Or a nerd and his textbooks. Or the lion and the lamb. Or... well you get my drift. If you need further advice just let me know. I hope it all turns out for the best.
Goosie
Before
I am 15 and I’d like to think I’m a typical high-school teenager (if there is such a thing). A lot of people say that I’m friendly and cute. I’m not sure about the cute part. I guess I just don’t think I ever look good enough. I’ve been told that it’s a confidence thing.
I wish I could say that I haven’t had sex yet. Some of my friends seem to talk a lot about how cool sex is. They say it makes them more mature, like they’re really older and smarter and so “experienced”. Then there are a few of my friends who have tried sex and said they wished they would have waited. Before, I was kind of feeling left out of the conversation whenever my friends talked about it. Now, I wish I would have just walked away from the conversations.
Here’s how it happened with me: My boyfriend of two months, Drake, had been kind of pressuring me to do it. He told me he loved me a lot and would love me even more if we did it. I thought I was so in love with him. He seemed like the perfect guy. All of my friends thought Drake was cute and sweet and thoughtful. He was always telling me how hot I was and some of my friends kept telling me I should do it with him. I didn’t know I was going to do it at the time. It just sort of happened. I guess I let it happen because everybody else was doing it and I thought it would make my boyfriend happy.
After
It wasn’t what I thought it would be. After doing it things just didn’t feel the same. I just felt like it wasn’t right. Soon after, I noticed Drake was sort of ignoring me and wasn’t treating me as nice as before. He started looking at other girls the way he used to look at me before we did it. And then, one day, I heard Drake and his friends laughing and found out later that I was the joke.
I guess I was thinking that if we had sex I would feel more confident, mature and loved. But instead, I’ve lost my self respect. I feel ashamed, depressed, angry, embarrassed, confused, and sad. And I’ve been crying a lot too. I wasn’t very confident before and now I don’t know if I’ll ever be confident. I lost a personal part of my life and I’ll never be able to take it back!
Am I the only one that feels this way after the first time?
Before and After
Dear Before and After:
Thank you for sharing your personal story. Sadly, if Goosie had a feather for every teenage girl who felt remorse after their “first time” she would be the biggest goose on the planet. On the positive side, your story may cause others to pause for a moment and understand that teen sex is really overstated and exaggerated and that the consequences can sometimes be very painful.
One of the take-home lessons from this experience is that if you blindly follow the crowd they can sometimes lead you into your very own mud hole. And trust me, the deeper the mud hole the harder it is to get out. Don’t let your friends’ actions persuade you into doing things that you are not sure about. Instead, become the example for others to follow. People will take notice if you stay true to yourself and develop your own unique style and presence. Look at it this way: you now have an opportunity to use your experience to help others avoid the same mistake.
We can’t undo the past; what’s done is done. It’s time to let it go and allow your emotional wounds to heal. You can overcome this experience if you will pick yourself up, face towards the future and begin to set an example for the rest of your friends to follow. If you will do that, you will soon discover a unique sense of confidence growing within you. And the right mix of self confidence and conscience will help you to achieve anything you put your mind to.
Goosie believes that, if you are patient, someday you will meet someone who will love and cherish you because of the special and unique person that you will have become over time.
P.S. Here’s one of Goosie’s tips for building self confidence. It’s called ABLE – Achieve, Believe, Learn & Earn:
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Achieve – Goals – Set some goals for yourself. Then work toward achieving them. Once you have accomplished one goal, always have another.
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Believe – In Yourself – Always believe that you have the potential to do amazing things in your life, if you so desire.
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Learn – There are so many interesting things out there to learn about. You can also find something you enjoy and focus on that.
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Earn – Trust and Respect – People will trust and respect you by your actions. Do what you say you will do - and do the right thing.
Goosie
Dear Goosie,
I have a very good friend who is 15 like me. She's very pretty and she's very desperate for a boyfriend, problem is she can never keep one. I've given her all the advice I can. Next week she's planning to lose her virginity to a guy we both know. I know that he's playing her; he's said he doesn't want a girl friend. She's nervous and I've told her it's better if you've been in a relationship, are in love and know the guy well. How can I get her to change her mind before she gets a reputation as a whore or gets pregnant? I know she'll regret it but I can't change her mind.
Upset
Dear Upset:
I wish I could take my magic wand and make your friend see the truth, but I can’t. The fact that she is “desperate for a boyfriend” bothers me. It sounds like she has some self-esteem issues and she thinks that by having sex with “a guy you both know” it will somehow make everything better. Well, you and I both know, it won’t. She is still young and still maturing, and needs to find something to involve herself in that can make her feel better about herself. (a sport, hobby, or even a part-time job). Once she develops more self-esteem and confidence, she will realize that she wouldn’t even want to share such an intimate act with just anybody. I totally agree with what you said about being in love or to have been in a relationship…Having sex is such a personal act of closeness that if that is all you have to connect to someone, it cannot have a good outcome, especially for her. Besides the increased risks of STDs and pregnancy, the emotional effects can leave her feeling depressed and more desperate than ever, especially since this guy will probably lose interest and respect fast, and then brag to his friends about details that could humiliate and scar her for a long time.
You are a good friend and should continue to offer your good advice. However, what she does will ultimately be her decision. (Remember the saying, “you learn by your mistakes?”) Maybe you could give her tips on “keeping a boyfriend” that don’t involve having sex. Guys will always be more interested in you and respect you-- if you don’t give it all up.
Trust me, Goosie has been there, done that, and the voice of experience says that it was wrong. We can’t change the past, but we can use our own personal experiences to help others make better decisions. Good Luck. And thank you for confiding in Goosie.
Goosie